Deep Thoughts

I found an old, dog-eared book in one of my boxes recently, a tome of Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.  He is a legend, in my mind.

Some of his finer points:

"Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window."

“When I saw the old bum pushing his grocery cart down the street, at first I felt sorry for him but then when I saw what was in his cart, I thought well no wonder you’re a bum, look at the dumb things you bought.”

"I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, 'What was THAT?!'" 

"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now."

“I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best.  We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he’d eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.”

"If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine."

"The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought what am I doing?"

Comments

[MegaTwatty]

I totally peed when I read these. Then made all the shop boys read it and they peed. It was awkward.

[CMc]

Here's another one I remember from that book--

"Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here going through all your things."

Less popular but ultimately funnier than hell:

"If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your baby."